Becoming estranged from your parent is rarely an easy choice. It often follows a huge amount of pain, and it’s likely you’ve felt as though you’ve tried everything to build the bond you so desperately wanted, only to discover that it remains elusive.
The key point here is that NO child WANTS to be estranged from their parent. Primally and innately, this is simply not how we are as humans. However, if the parent becomes a risk to the adult child, then estrangement happens because the child’s innate need for mental, emotional, and physical survival takes priority.
Why do adult children become estranged from their parent?
Sadly, this usually happens after many years of either physical or emotional neglect (or both) by the parent. Of course, the parent may not share this view, and we’ll explore later why what seems obvious to you isn’t necessarily obvious to them.
Estrangement doesn’t happen overnight. It rarely comes down to one single event; rather, it tends to be an accumulation of multiple instances in which the child feels their parent hasn’t been there for them. It might be that the parent hasn’t got their back, imposes conditions around their love, or has been controlling or overly critical. Equally, they may have been so hands-off that you felt you had nobody to guide you through life.
Ultimately, estrangement occurs because the child no longer feels safe with the parent, whether mentally, emotionally, or physically.
Physical Estrangement
Physical estrangement is when you remove yourself from your parent’s company. You might not see your parent in person, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you are emotionally estranged. You may still think about them, even crave a connection, yet believe it’s not good for your well-being to be around them. Equally, you might be both physically and emotionally estranged, having resolved in your mind that contact isn’t something you want in your life and feeling content for it to remain that way.
Emotional Estrangement
Emotional estrangement can feel more complicated. You may physically see your parent, but you experience a lack of connection with them. You may find them difficult to be around, yet still try desperately to build a connection or gain their approval. If you feel that nothing you do is ever quite good enough, remember: it’s not because you aren’t good enough, but rather that your parent can’t convey that message to you. Equally, it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t think you’re good enough; it’s simply that they may not have the capacity to understand the importance of demonstrating this to their child (even an adult child). The absence of such acknowledgment hinders the development of a healthy parent-child bond.
Why has my parent allowed this to happen?
This can be multifaceted. Ask yourself if there is any estrangement within your parent’s own family. Is this a family pattern that is littered throughout your extended family? Ironically, it’s not uncommon for a parent who is estranged from their own parent to become estranged from their child, too. You’d think they would recognise the pain this causes and avoid repeating it, but interestingly, family patterns often persist.
Essentially, this happens due to a lack of awareness on the parents’ part. Perhaps they have a fixed way of thinking – it’s their way or the highway – or they may struggle to love unconditionally because they themselves never received unconditional love. They might be self-focused or feel superior, believing you should love and respect them unconditionally. Parents are often baffled when their child becomes estranged; they can’t grasp why or how it happened and often hold the child responsible. They may say things like, “I’ve done everything for them, and this is how they repay me,” without considering the complex tapestry of their child’s upbringing. They don’t always see the multiple reasons for the estrangement, nor do they acknowledge their role in causing it. This is usually the hardest part for the child: receiving zero validation or acknowledgement of the pain the parent may have caused, leaving them feeling confused, unloved, and blamed.
Why doesn’t my parent love me?
Whatever your parents’ behaviour towards you, it doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t love you. They simply love you in their own way. You may wonder why a parent would do or say certain things if they truly loved you. Remember, love is a concept experienced differently by each person. We all hold varying opinions and perceptions of what love really is, but there is no doubt that a child needs unconditional love from a parent figure to feel safe, secure, and emotionally supported. This is the foundation that helps a child thrive in adulthood.
Many adult children who felt they were only loved conditionally end up seeking unconditional love in partners or friends, which they won’t find in most adult relationships (as most healthy adult relationships do have boundaries and conditions). Parental love, however, should ideally be unconditional, as this sets the scene for a child to thrive and the bond to deepen.
Some parents may say they love their child but dislike their behaviour. Depending on the parents’ mindset and their own life experiences, this may determine whether they can offer love without conditions. Not every parent is capable of loving unconditionally, for many complex reasons. What’s crucial to understand is that your parent’s inability to love you in the way you need has nothing to do with you; it stems from your parent’s own limitations.
You might also wonder, “But they love my sibling, so why don’t they show me the same?” One explanation is that your sibling complies more readily with your parent’s expectations and therefore earns their approval. However, love shouldn’t have to be earned from a parent; this is transactional, not intuitive.
Why does my parent not see it from my perspective?
Historically, there has always been a clear hierarchy in families: the older you are, the more you’re entitled to respect and love. But respect and love are not rights. Children and adult children do not inherently offer unconditional love to just anyone – that instinct is typically directed at their own children one day. Respect, however, must be earned between humans, regardless of age. In the past, it was simply expected that younger generations would love and respect their elders, no questions asked. Yet many parents never stopped to examine how such generational beliefs impacted their own wellbeing. They merely accepted, “It’s just how things are,” and expect you to do the same.
In our ever-evolving society, it’s essential to recognise that no one person is more important than another, and parents do need to earn their child’s respect and love. If they behave in a way that doesn’t align with your sense of safety and security, then, like any relationship, you have the option to step away.
Why do I still crave a connection with my estranged parent?
This is perfectly natural and innate. We are pack animals who long to be part of our “tribe,” and our parents are at the core of that. It’s always a difficult day when we decide we no longer want or need a relationship with our parent. As I’ve said, estrangement is rarely a simple route; many adult children go through years of craving what they haven’t received. If you’re still in that place of longing, it means there is still hope that the relationship you desire can be built. This implies the door is not yet closed. Only you can decide if or when that door closes, and it’s important that nobody pressures you either way. If you see some growth in your parent and you want to keep trying, that is entirely your choice.
Will I be estranged forever?
Many people experience sporadic estrangement from their parents. They drift apart for a time, then reconnect in the hope that something has changed. Sometimes it has, but often the same patterns arise, prompting another period of estrangement. Like all relationships, nothing will change unless real effort is made. Open, respectful communication is essential for rebuilding a relationship, and both parties must take responsibility for their role in the breakdown.
For instance, your parent might describe you as a “nightmare teenager.” True, most teenagers are challenging at times, and yes, you may have made questionable decisions or caused worry. But it’s a parent’s job to ride that wave. As a parent myself, I know it can be extremely difficult when a teenager shuts down and only offers grunts, leaving you unsure of how they feel or what they’re thinking. Yet it’s also a challenging time for the teenager. We’ve all been there, and we know how tough it can be. Strong bonds formed before those years make riding out the storm much easier. If the bond and foundations are already shaky, or the parent has been overly controlling or demanding, teenagers can feel alone as they enter a world where they have more freedom and autonomy.
Remember: teenagers’ brains aren’t fully developed until around age 25, so impulsivity is high, and the link between risk-taking and consequence is not as robust as in adults. If a strong bond is in place, they’re more likely to have many conversations with their parent about healthy and unhealthy decisions. If a child has been micromanaged within an inch of their life (often out of love and good intentions), by the time they reach their teens, they may not have built up the skills to reason through decisions or understand consequences.
So, although you may choose to take responsibility for your actions in your teenage years (although the adolescent years do require a degree of acceptance from the parent's side), this is an example where, as the parent, they too have to take responsibility for their responses.
What if my parent dies and we haven’t resolved our differences?
This is a confronting thought, but it can happen. The important thing here is to consider your options. Is there room to reconcile and create a relationship that enriches you both? If so, that’s wonderful – it doesn’t mean it has to be deeply bonded, but there may be an opportunity to adjust your expectations of each other. Perhaps your parent can’t love unconditionally, and your hope for that specific type of love may always feel unfulfilled. How would it feel to accept that this shortfall is about them, not you, and that you can still choose to have some form of relationship on terms that feel safe for you? You might care for your parent but not love them, and that’s okay. You get to decide if you want your parent in your life and, if so, define the conditions. Respect is paramount here. Even if you don't have the mutual love which you see in other families, you can still treat one another respectfully.
On the other hand, if you have decided that you wish to remain estranged, remember that any relationship is two-way. You cannot control whether your parent wants to resolve the differences between you both, and likewise, you may not want to reconcile. This is your choice, so it’s important to release as much regret as possible. Sometimes estrangement is the only option for the adult child, and we’re not terrible people for choosing it. Reconciliation is never solely within one person’s power – it takes two willing participants.
Why do I feel so judged by others for being estranged from my parent?
Oh my… If you’re estranged from your parent, you’ve likely encountered “THE LOOK” when you explain your situation. Many who experience estrangement choose not to disclose it because they’re met with unhelpful statements like, “But she’s your mum; you should love her,” or “He’s the only dad you’ve got; maybe you should call him.” Society often struggles with the concept of estrangement because, historically, a child was expected to love their parent unconditionally as a rite of passage. Yet research from ‘Stand Alone’ has shown that 1 in 5 families is affected by estrangement.
People often fail to realise that nobody expects us to accept abuse from a friend or partner, whether physical, mental, or emotional, yet they don’t always apply the same standard to parents. Additionally, many people have loving, nurturing parents and cannot fathom how it would feel not to have them in their lives. They simply can’t understand that not all parents are the same. It’s like comparing an apple to a cabbage – both are grown, and both are food, but they’re entirely different. Only you can decide whether you want a relationship with your parent, and it’s important to surround yourself with people who understand rather than judge. Stepping away from a parent takes immense courage and deserves respect.
I don’t want reconciliation – is that okay?
Of course it is. Only you can decide what’s right for you. In all aspects of life, as long as we keep checking in with ourselves and ensuring our choices align with who we are today, we remain open to change if it presents itself. Sometimes, shutting ourselves off from possible future options is restrictive, so keep your options open while staying mindful of what feels right in the present. Remember, we all evolve over time, and as the years pass, both you and your parent will change. Sometimes, all we want is a simple acknowledgement or apology, and that can make a world of difference. Conversely, sometimes no apology will ever be enough, and that, too, is okay – only you know the journey you’ve had to reach this point.
Will therapy help me decide how to go forward?
Therapy can indeed be very supportive in your journey. A therapist won’t tell you what decision to make; rather, they’ll provide a space for you to lay out your challenges and help you gain clarity. Therapy can help you understand your experiences and work through the healing process, which may make it easier to reach your own conclusions about how you’d like to move forward.
Finally
Wherever you are in your relationship with your parent, please remember that we all have the capacity to heal from our childhood experiences. We can’t change the past, nor can we change the parent we were given, but you have the power to be exactly who you want to be. Treating yourself with kindness and compassion is the first step towards healing. Take good care of yourself.
If you are estranged from your parent either physically or emotionally and you want to gain a deeper understanding of your family patterns, ensuring that as a parent yourself you are raising your child in readiness for todays world with a deeper bond with them, then take a look at my signature course ‘The Empowered Parenting Programme’ and you are welcome to schedule a FREE 30-Minute call to discuss whether the programme is for you.
https://www.nicolasaunderstherapy.com/Enrol
